Let’s Give Thanks
Two weeks ago today I lost my job to a lay off. I have a million things I could say about what that felt like. I could tell you that it hurt. That it knocked the air out of me. That it was mortifying.
I could describe, in minute detail, the experience of being walked out of the building like I was a corporate criminal though I’d done nothing wrong. I could even discuss how it felt to have people look away, afraid to make eye contact if they didn’t have to. And don’t get me started on the sensation of taking my things down off the walls and packing up my boxes of personal effects.
Oh, and the very, very many speeches I’ve heard practically deserve their own post. Frankly, if every window I was told about did, in fact, open there wouldn’t be a wall left to hold them. (For every door that closes…) I’ve lost count as there have been lots and lots of platitudes about new beginnings.
Now, before you think I’m devaluing the words of encouragement and support I’ve gotten, let me clarify the difference between the aforementioned comments and those sincere words that touched me. Yes, I’ve had a few well-intentioned people offer me cliched (though kind-hearted) lines about starting over. While I appreciated the thought (if not always the words themselves) this isn’t about those people or those words.
On Thanksgiving, two weeks after losing my job, I find that I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a family who immediately leapt to my side. I have dear friends who stopped their lives for a bit to commiserate with me and let me know it’s ok to be miserable for a while. I have a friend who called and asked if I needed angry or optimistic and let me make that choice. I have a boyfriend who found me at the mall the day after listening to me cry to bring me cheer up roses. I have an offer of several places to stay should I lose my apartment. I have job leads coming to me almost every day. I have sympathy when I need it and I have a kick in the pants when I need it. I even have former coworkers reaching out from other countries to support me and some reaching from much closer just to let me know that I’m missed.
In the last few weeks I’ve gone back and forth between anger and depression scattered between hours or days of motivated job hunting and forced indifference. I’ve had panic attacks and tears and fury over what happened. I’ve never been good at showing vulnerability or weakness to other people. It’s just not my bag. However, when you are the kind of person who defines yourself a bit too much by what you do, losing your job makes you wonder who you are.That throws you off a touch and, not surprisingly, can make you go a little needy.
I’m thankful that I have to stop and look at myself. I don’t often think too deeply about who I am and what I want. To be honest, I haven’t done as much of it as I should yet, because it’s just too scary to look that closely. So instead of looking inward, which I do plan to get to eventually, I’ve been taking stock of what surrounds me.
I am so very, very thankful for you all. I’ve always considered myself lucky to have an amazing support system and great friends who I knew would take my side if I needed it. Now I know that to be true because I see the evidence of it every day. That it what I am thankful for this holiday.