Someone Has to Fix This
I’ve been watching the news lately and based on some recent political events, I’ve had a brain storm. I think there should be a law that all people with chemically treated hair should be forced to submit to a government-approved hair cut. I know what you’re thinking, but hear me out.
Yes, it seems like a tough thing to know just from looking at people, but there are ways to check. For instance, everytime you go to the salon, your hair dresser can sign a form, which must be notarized, saying that your hair is still natural. As long as you carry this form, you should be fine.
Now, we don’t want these unnatural folks walking the streets with the natural types, but how can we tell? A good dye job looks natural from a distance, and even natural hair can look a little wonky from time to time. It’s simple! We’ll create a new police division who are tasked solely with hunting down the hair deceivers.
Sure, it seems like it would be a little unfair. What if your highlights are the honest result of too much time in the sun? What if your family is blonde and you just happen to be a natural brunette? Just keep your papers handy and all will be well.
Of course, if you get arrested, taken into custody, and have your head shaved against your will, it’s all in the name of keeping our streets pure, isn’t it? A small price to pay to keep those filthy hair liars out of our community.
Besides, it’s just hair. It’s not like I’m suggesting we force a minority population to walk around with their immigration papers, basically granting the police the right to accost any and every person of color they could conceivably accuse of being an illegal immigrant under the pain of arrest and fines. And it’s not like I’m suggesting we engage in state-mandated racial profiling or a Gestapo-like police state in which any citizen can be harrassed and even arrested simply for not being able to immediately produce papers.
Hey, here’s an idea! Why don’t we just set it up where those with chemically treated hair have to wear some sort of indicator? Like a pair of scissors pinned to their clothes? Then they won’t need to worry about that silly paperwork. We’ll know who they are from a distance.
You’re right, you’re right. It’s insane. It’s the first step to a terrifying reality in which our state governments can legally violate our rights and our privacy and in which no citizen is truly safe. We don’t want that. Do we, Arizona?